Common Sense

Someone recently asked me if I’d ever want a “do-over” of my teens or 20’s.   I said yes, but only if I could do it knowing what I know today.  There are things in life that now seem pretty obvious. Common sense.   Something I apparently lacked in my formative years. I’m not dumb enough to share with the world any of the rather unflattering (and perhaps illegal) folly of my youth.  But I’d be happy to share a few more harmless examples:

Fried Mozzarella

Deep fried mozzarella is not a suitable lunch entrée.  So when your college dining hall offers you a platter of fried mozzarella patties, do not hold out your plate and say “yes, please”.  It is very possible that the weekly ingestion of this big, fried wad of cheese will contribute to the gaining of the freshman 15.  In my own defense, it is also possible that I was blinded by the health benefits of the lycopene in the marinara sauce.  Not that I knew what lycopene was in college.   

Chicken pox

Whatever you do, don’t scratch. Whatever you do, don’t scratch. You’ll get scars!  Scars!  I scratched.  Hence the large crater-like scar in the middle of my forehead.  To make myself feel better, I like to think of it as my Third Eye and that’s why I’m such an Enlightened individual.

Baby Oil

Baby oil is not a suitable way to achieve a golden tan for the prom.  Crispy skin is only acceptable on Peking Duck.

Hair dye

Letting someone apply Eggplant colored henna to your hair may not achieve a natural looking result. This can be confirmed when you step into the sunshine and your mother tells you that your entire head is now dark purple. You know, like an EGGPLANT. 

Tattoos

As much as you think you are always going to want that tattoo because it, like, totally represents who you are and it’s, like, so meaningful… it’s not. At some point in the distant future, your child will announce that she wants to open a lemonade stand to raise money to pay for the laser treatment that will make Mommy’s tattoo go away.  The silver lining is that it is now the world’s most effective tool for insuring that the daughter will never get a tattoo.

I could ramble on and on about my former lack of common sense, but I won’t.  As Shakespeare once said, “Brevity is the soul of wit”.  Then again, Dorothy Parker once said “Brevity is the soul of lingerie”, so I’m not sure whom to believe.